Motherhood

Another post which I just feel like posting. The possibility of me writing my diary and blog had been gradually decreasing. Sad. I know. Due to the packed time schedule thus this habit has just ~poff~ gone. (nope, basically, I lack of effective time management)
Enough of such mumbo-jumbo, let's get back to my post title.

What about it? I'm going to be a mother soon! Can you imagine that?! Me duplicating a child that may look exactly like me!
Nah, I was just pulling your leg. How could I possibly be pregnant when I'm not even married (I haven't even got my engagement ring). Of course, you would say it's surely possible if I had intercourse. With that, I'm committing an offensive crime (sin) to God. Don't wish that to happen.

Sorry for sidetracking, it's just that Mother's Day is around the corner and I would like to post something about this particular woman who is tenacious, noble and sagacious. She is my mother. After I past my adolescent years, I came to discover that a mother loses nearly everything for her offspring. She loses her beauty/ youth, her free time, her health, her dignity just for her beloved child/ children. Mother's love is the greatest gift from God. Through her, I am able to comprehend and grasp what true love is.
Recently, this issue of whether I would like to have children or not in the future kept bothering me. My boyfriend and I had discussed over this issue a few times.
He wants to have children. Me, on the other hand, still find it difficult to decide.
It's not like we're getting married any sooner but I believe once you've been in a relationship for quite some times, you would talk about topic as such. (mostly related to after marriage)
Babies are adorable, children are exuberant but when they reach teenagers, they may be rebellious. That's what terrified me the most. And it can be very hurtful for a mother to see her child leaving God. Probably, that's the reason why I'm still unable to decide....
After all, there are still years ahead before we get married. My perceptions in having children may change by then. Maybe I'm just too young to think about children now.

A short passage from Amy Tan in Saving The Fish From Drowning (just adore her writing):
"A mother is the one who fills your heart in the first place. She teaches you the nature of happiness: what is the right amount, what is too much, and the kind that makes you want more of what of what is bad for you. A mother helps her baby flex her first feelings of pleasure. She teaches her when to later exercise restraint, or to take squealing joy in recognizing the fluttering leaves of the ginkgo tree, to sense a quieter but more profound satisfaction in changing upon an everlasting pine. A mother enables you to realize that there are different levels of beauty, and therein lie the sources of pleasure, some of which are popular and ordinary, and thus of brief value, and others of which are difficult and rare, and hence worth pursuing."  

Sadness is when....

I used to write frequently, expressing my thoughts into words. Words which are able to be understood and portray a picture that everyone else can imagine. These words are a remedy for my soul where sadness, anger, disappointment are turned into happiness, joy and hope. It's a strange process and therapy but it helps. I just need the exact words and emotions to write how I feel. The deepest sadness is when a relationship (regardless with family, friendship or BGR) comes to an end.

After Them.

After them,
there is a full-stop to everything they used to do together.
After them,
there is no more referring them as 'them' but 'he' and 'she'.
After them,
there is no more going back to friendship but merely a stranger they don't recognize.
After them,
there is no more future ahead of them as a pair.
After them,
what is left behind is just a memory; there are sweet ones and bitter ones.
After them,
all they can do is to carry on with life without looking back.
Because that's what it meant to be 'after them'.

Is it necessary? 

Am I?

Sometimes, I expect too much and the hurts come when that expectation isn't met. 

I just don't want to be that person who is hopeless and has lost the purpose of living.  

As a reminder. =) 

Them

It was just another regular night for her before going to bed but that night didn't seem to turn up to be as usual as she expected because it was the night when he admitted  that he likes her. For her, this sudden news happened speedily. She wasn't aware of his feelings for her. All she thought was that it was another girl from the same class as them who dazzled him. She was just curious who was that mysterious girl who managed to catch his attention. So she enquired him for a name. Not until that night when he said it was her. For once, she was taken aback by his news and didn't quite trust his words. But he affirmed her with words of confirmation that he wasn't fooling around with his emotion.

She realized that it took him extra courage to confess to her about his feelings and she believed him after some time later.  

His attentive attention was once lost to another girl in his hometown. He didn't defeat himself from that girl and was wounded just like how a bird got its wing injured. She knew this incident and so wasn't ready to take him into her own hands to cure for him lest creating another wound. She wants to be sure before picking him up from his past. 
   

It seemed to her that the world just stop spinning for that instant second, her heart rate speed up to  150bpm and her stomach started to form butterflies. He was a friend to her who she can be rude to and he doesn't mind. Well, at least that's what she thinks. A friend she trusts the most with her secrets and her deepest fear. He was someone that she ever took off her mask for, a person where she can be herself and not afraid of being the laughing stock. 

That night, she was blown with complete surprise by his answer and it was her first time in nineteen years living on this planet that a guy which she might admire, affirms her that she is worth to be grown fond of. She knew that her feelings were real for him too but she needs more time to ponder over it. She never thought that this would come as quick as this. She wants him to stay true to her if his feelings were real by pursuing her for probably months or even years before she can accept him. She likes him, yes but more time is needed to prove his sincerity of love.      

She remembered the day she went for photo shoots with another guy who played as Romeo, it  was the day he tasted sourness to see her being embraced by another guy. He looked at the so-called 'couples' with an aching heart and the worst part of it all, he was the one to look into the lens and give directions for them to hug tighter and smile like love-birds just to capture that atmosphere of a pair of passionate lovers... 

To be continue

True story? You bet so

We are just being humans

I've seen too much ugliness in humans' trait. Is there beauty in us, humans? We're purely humans. We are not perfect, we are all being humans with flaws. Half blood (half human, half god) doesn't exist. Deep down inside each human, there's a concealed beast. Anger, Covetousness, Fear, Lust, Violence... These awful beasts cause destruction to oneself. They're known as Sins, Devil's best partner. They tear us apart from God. They can crush us into deadly pieces and if we're not careful enough, we'll be destroyed.
Without God's sufficient grace, we're FINISHED; without His everlasting love, there's no redemption of LIFE; without His unlimited forgiveness, all of us will be carrying our burden of GUILT.
"The thief comes to steal, to kill and to destroy; I've come that they may have life and have it to the full." (John 10:10)
God gave us everlasting life through His Only Son, Jesus Christ.
I faced people who cannot deal with their own anger, I witnessed people who are unfaithful, I read stories about victims beaten up by cruel and heartless masters. These acts indicate that Jesus is coming back for the second time. All these will increase continually as the world comes to an end.
I'm sad of all these happenings. I've seen too much. Mother adviced me: Either all these make me a better person or a bitter person. Better in a sense that I promise myself never to be like them or bitter by giving up hope on others and eventually God. I want to strive to become a BETTER person.
I want to bear these fruits: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Self Control.  

Life, A Time Machine?

In a glimpse of an eye, another year is about to end. Starting with another fresh year → 2014 with new hopes await. What do you want to fulfill in year 2014?
Give some changes to yourself, be a better and grateful person than before. Don't be static with where you are. Instead, make improvements and push yourself to be one of the best.
It's easy just saying but to be That Person, it takes effort, determination, perseverance and patience.
Next year it will be my last year of being a teenager. I mean with a '1' in front if the second digit. 19. Exactly 5 months and 2 days to my special day.
A day which when you pass 21, you won't want to celebrate anymore. A day that reminds you of your age. It's also a good day to be thankful to your parents for not abandoning you but to nurture you.
Life. A time machine that travels you throughout the years. You see, you hear, you feel, you taste and you smell. The 5 senses that helped you carry through life.
Life may be cruel, at times. It may be sweet. This is Life. You enter a new year and end it with 365 days. Then enter another year. It's a repeating process of life...

Christmas isn't really Christmas without Jesus.

There is this verse which kept on ringing in my hand and I've no other choice but to share it.
John 3:16 says that "For God so loved the world that He gave His One and Only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."
��Christmas isn't about Santa Claus, neither it's about having the biggest Christmas tree, it isn't about the gift we received instead there's a special gift for everyone. The only thing you have to do is to receive Him. His name is Jesus. He humbly came to this world and interact with His own creation. He is the savior and by accepting Him into your heart, your sins are cleanse and you gain freedom. Christmas is about Jesus. The one and only one who saves us from sins, who heals, who answers prayers. So are you willing to accept this special gift ���� this Christmas? ��

Object that symbolise me

This morning, our literature lecturer assigned us to use an object that best symbolise ourselves.
He was teaching us poetry, one of my favourite in English.
I associated myself with a door. There are a few reasons why I selected a house door:
A door acts as a protection to a household.
Without a door, the job of a thief will be made much more easier.
It also guards the house, preventing the owner of the house from danger and harm.
To me (since I'm the eldest), my siblings are just like the owner of the house.
When enemies attack, they usually attack the door first.
I'm willing to sacrifice first and protect them from those enemies.
They have a very special place in my heart. And I love them.
A key is also needed to unlock the door.
To know me better, a person must first have the key to unlock the inner me.
I might look serious and mature on the outside but once the door is unlocked,
there you'll find the original me.

 

Classes are getting fun each day. Love my course mates and my course and lecturers too.
Our class have been receiving good comments from the lecturers these past few weeks.
Proud of my class ----> PPISMP TESL Sem1.